Been two weeks…

I’m doing well, I’ve had tons of hw so far…I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. This whole day I spent my time in bed and just slept, very relaxing and peaceful. I watched episodes of law and order on netflix. I stayed in bed most of the time, haven’t done all of this in a while.

I should listen to some good music and read something.

People have been forgetting about fergurson, please don’t let this issue die. That’s what they want, that’s what the white supremacists want.

I was having a peaceful day but then I came to a realization that this world isn’t peaceful right now.

This sucks. I love people but at the same time I hate what they do.

Emotional

It’s the night before school and I can’t fall asleep. I’m in tears because I’m really scared for this school year

Last school year put me through hell. I need someone to vent to and no ones here.

I don’t know right now, I need some words of advice because I can’t think straight right now.

My head hurts and I have a lot on my mind.

I wish I could just listen to my own advice sometimes

I haven’t cried like this for a while. This summer was the happiest time in my life

I just prayed to god and thanked him for everything honestly. I could be dead right now….wow

I’m always complaining about how I need someone to talk to, I always bottle up my emotions.

Idk i feel like I would be a burden with all my wild and crazy thoughts.

All I have is myself, no one knows what’s going on in my head.

I have so many thoughts at this moment in my head.

I’m not feigning for love anymore. I’m looking for a friend honestly, a mentor, someone who I can talk to about these things. That’s all I want

I want to be invited to share my thoughts and feelings. I want someone to tell me “they’re here for me”. I want someone to say “I’m here if you need to talk”.

I usually say those things to people but I don’t receive those from people.

😦

Society

We want change but we continue to act the same way.

We women want respect from men and we want them to stop sexualizing us. Yet we praise nicki showing her ass off in her new anaconda video.

I don’t know anymore, the same thing keeps happening. It’s all bull shit.

We might never change honestly

This is a short post.

But why

So I’ve been having a weird week. Yesterday I went to a Catholic Church that was predominately white. Of course I got stared down, because I’m a different race. This Caucasian lady comes up to me and says “I love your hair it must’ve taken a long time to do”

Now my hair is done up into Marley twists, long Marley twists. I mean my hair did take a while to do but why does that matter, it offended me I’m sorry

Well I’m not sorry actually.

Then today I went to visit a farm again predominately white. I kept receiving the same comment from them. One of those comments really stood out to me. The guy said “Michelle Obama has straight hair and I know it’s not easy for her to get her hair like that”
Like really ? Are you serious?

Just dumb comments really. I understand my hair is different but why does that have to be the topic of conversation. It’s ignorant, and it’s sad because they know they’re being ignorant but they think it’s ok. They think it’s ok because I’m black and they’re white.

I just felt uncomfortable, i saw mixed children running around. They had loose curly texture of hair. It just made me really mad, that you start a conversation by being ignorant.

This needs to stop, seriously.

I’m not used to being around just white people. I’m used to being around a mixture of races.

It just really baffles me how ignorant a person can be.

Idk if being too sensitive or something

Idk…

My brothers and sisters

There’s a lot of racial problems arousing. I mean it’s always been around but I guess more and more people are being aware. Now it has turned into chaos.

Our black men and women, women and men. Out there getting killed for absolutely no reason

The topic of white privilege comes up

Again these things have always been happening, I guess the tension has broken and now it’s almost close to turning into violence

Just like the civil rights movement era. It might be like that again. Countless people are going to die fighting for their rights. If it comes down to it I will also die fighting for my rights.

Enough is enough. Like are you serious ? You’re going to gun a black man down already in surrender position. Like what the fuck, how is that possibly right in your head.

Because of the color of his skin. His fucking skin. Because of the way he was born. His heritage.

History might repeat.

I really tried to stay positive in this life I live. I really did, but I know violence will occur.

Just watching the video of Michael brown’s mother talking about her son, it kills me.

She’s absolutely right. Absolutely right.

I fucking hate the police. I know I said I wasn’t going to say that before but honestly right now I don’t care.

We black people, just colored people in general need to continue to fight.

We will be fighting forever.

Robin Williams

I’m so sad

Haven’t made a post in a while.

He committed suicide I heard. This topic gets to me like I’m about to cry. I know what it’s like to want to die. I know what’s it’s like to attempt to die. I know the pain oh the pain.

People say it’s selfish or you’re only thinking of yourself.

They don’t know how it feels like until they’re in your position. Fuck, this is why I try to be nice to everyone and pray and pray and pray.

So many people out there killing themselves. It’s so sad. And every time I see Robin Williams picture It just kills me inside.

Such a good person, but his soul is gone. And detached from his body, floating around.

😥

Truth

People don’t like hearing the truth. I don’t sugar coat anything, especially if you’re my friend. I’ll tell you how it is and what you don’t want to hear. Even if it’s harsh, it gets your attention. I’m tired of saying the same thing to people. Sometimes I don’t want to hear it. I tolerate it though because some people do need to talk out their problems.

I just hate when I give advice and you don’t take it and then you complain about the same shit again. Then you wonder why it keeps happening. I’m not mad because my advice isn’t being taken. I’m mad because you’re not doing anything to help yourself or to improve the situation. I’m just like why are you doing this to yourself!!! I’m so annoyed. Im just saying help yourself.

If you’re not going to take the fucking advice fine, but do something about the situation. Don’t just leave that shit , because it’ll come back up again.

That was like a metaphor. If you don’t take a shit and leave that waste inside you, instead of it coming out from you ass. It’s gonna come through up through your mouth as vomit. That was kind of descriptive but I don’t care.

But it’s true.

I don’t know, I try to help and no one listens and then they complain. Ahh I don’t know if I can be a therapist anymore…or a psychiatrist.

Fuck.

My struggle

I’ve watched my dad almost kill my mom, in a chokehold. He used to physically abuse her. In foreign countries there aren’t really laws that prevent that, so she was basically stuck. Until I was about 5 then we left and she divorced him. I really feel for victims of abuse in any way. Whether it’s rape or anything of that sort. It’s crazy how we humans hurt each other.it makes me so sad and I cry about. My beautiful mother, I love her to death. That abuse on her made me really scared, scared to trust anyone, scared of my father and that he would do the same to my sister and I. But I think I’ve overcomed that. He’s a changed man now, he really is. Props to him honestly.

I was violated, but I don’t want to go into details about that.

I struggled with acne and I used to cry every night for about a yr, it was horrible acne. I never wanted to leave the house to go to school or anywhere. I got made fun of, I just hated life. I was depressed and my first suicidal attempt was when I was 12. I tried to swallow a bottle of Advil pills….the whole thing. I stared at that bottle for about 5 mins. God was telling me not to go near it at all. So I cried my self to sleep.

Then my sophomore year in high school was the worst school year of my life. I was always stressed and I started experiencing schizophrenic features. I went to a psychiatric and she diagnosed me severe depression with psychotic features(the schizophrenic part). I got on meds, the side effects were strong on me no matter how low the dosage was I was taking meds for depression and my schizophrenic features. I started getting bad anxiety attacks during school. A side effect was blurriness and It was bad because I couldn’t even read the board. The voices told me bad things I don’t like to talk about it.

I got off the meds, I think the voices only came because I was sooo sooo stressed and I wasn’t caring about my mental state. Well I’m going to reveal my age now lol I’m 16. And I’m on my way to junior year in high school.

I know what I was doing wrong, I was trying to do everything right and everything at once. I wasn’t taking things slow and relaxing. I was worrying about a lot of things that could’ve been dealt with in a different way. I was trying to be like everyone else honestly and not myself. It strained my mental health

Well now, I’m so happy to say that I’m not depressed. This summer I’ve realized a lot of things, I’ve prayed a lot. I’ve cried a lot. And now I’m ready for a new beginning. I’m ready to move on from the past. I’m ready, I’m actually ready. I can now say I love life.

I’ve come a long way. And I’m young so I know I have so many battles to overcome in the future as well. It’s crazy that I just revealed my age.

Oh well….

But I’m happy I can say that I’m happy, I’ve never said that in my life. Even if I have those days I know how to not let it get the best of me.

Just ready for college. I’m a smart kid I think I’ll do well. I still have a lot to learn. May god be with me in my journey.

This was a very emotion post for me and I cried lol

Life is really crazy wow.

Fuck.

People

Even though we aren’t perfect . Humans are beautiful. I see so much potential for this world, and I have so much hope. I love seeing people happy and smiling. I get so sad when I see horrible things happen to good people.

I care a lot, that’s why I’m afraid that someone is going to break my heart

I don’t know people are amazing to me.
Even the ignorant ones you know, they can’t help it. I’m a big believer that’s just it
I know it could get me in trouble.

Positive vibes 🙂

I don’t know why I feel this way

This is a very long title

I’m very insecure, I mean I think I’m confident but some days I’m just….I don’t know

I’m brainwashed…..I see beauty in everyone but myself

I want to look like everyone else but myself.

I just want to accept myself and the way I look. It’s really hard. I used to have horrible acne and I used to get made fun of. It was horrible. I was violated at one point in my life. I don’t really talk about it. No one knows about it…well now you guys know lol.

All these things from my past has really made me insecure. Maybe one day I’ll post a picture of myself on here. But I kind of like being anonymous in a way. A face changes everything.

But I’m trying to work harder to accept myself, it used to be way worse. Human beings are so beautiful to me.

Whenever I feel bad I just thank god for what I have because people have it way worse than me. I pray because that’s all I can really do.